The young girl in this photograph had no idea how much of her life she would spend helping others. She only knew that her family needed her and that contributing felt natural.
Looking back, I can see that many of the strengths that helped me become a coach, leader, wife, mother, and friend were born during those years. I can also see that some of the habits that eventually left me depleted were born there as well.
Life has a way of teaching us in stages. First, I learned how to care for others. Years later, I learned that caring for myself was equally important.
For much of my life, I thought I was simply being a good daughter.
I didn’t necessarily think about it that way at the time. In fact, I would have described myself as caring, dependable, supportive, and family-oriented. Looking back, however, I can see that I had quietly accepted the role of being the person who held everything together.
Because I came from an immigrant family and learned English quickly, I became the bridge between my parents and the world around them.
At a young age, I found myself helping with things many children never have to think about. I attended medical appointments, translated conversations, helped with legal documents, filled out paperwork, made phone calls, and assisted my parents in navigating systems that were unfamiliar to them.
What began as helping eventually became part of my identity.
I became the person my parents depended on. I became the sibling everyone called when they needed support. As an adult, my home became the gathering place for holidays, celebrations, and family events. I was often the planner, the organizer, the cook, and the person making sure everything came together smoothly.
Taking on those roles gave me a sense of pride.
I loved my family, and it felt meaningful to be someone they could count on. It was important to me that my parents knew I would help keep the family connected if they were no longer here. More than anything, I wanted the people I loved to feel supported.
When Helping Becomes Carrying
What I didn’t realize was that somewhere along the way, helping had quietly become responsibility.
Not responsibility for my own life.
Responsibility for everyone else’s.
Over time, I found myself carrying concerns that didn’t belong to me. I worried about problems that other people needed to solve. Whenever challenges arose, I was quick to step in. Over time, it began to feel like my responsibility to make sure everyone was okay.
Have you ever felt that way? Like you were carrying the emotional weight of your family, your workplace, your friendships, or your community?
If so, you’re not alone.
Where Your Energy Flows
One of the exercises I often do with clients is to imagine themselves standing in the center of a series of circles.
The first circle is you. Your health, emotional well-being, dreams, goals, peace of mind, and personal growth.
The next circle contains the people closest to you, often your spouse, partner, children, and immediate family.
The circles continue moving outward to include parents, siblings, extended family, friends, colleagues, organizations, community groups, and the causes that matter to you.
There is nothing wrong with caring about any of these circles. In fact, many of us find tremendous purpose and joy in doing so.
The challenge occurs when most of our energy is flowing into the outer circles while the circles closest to us are receiving whatever happens to be left over.
That was certainly true for me.
I had become so accustomed to helping others that I rarely stopped to ask whether my energy was being invested in a sustainable way. I was supporting people several circles away from me while often neglecting my own needs and, at times, the people closest to me.
The Lesson Cancer Taught Me
Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Among the many lessons cancer brought into my life was the realization that I could not continue living that way.
Cancer forced me to ask questions I had never seriously considered before. What if my energy was limited? If my time was limited too, what deserved my attention most? Who was responsible for living my life?
For the first time, I began looking honestly at where my energy was going.
And I discovered something important.
There is a difference between supporting people and carrying people. Loving people does not require rescuing them. Helping people is not the same as taking responsibility for their lives.
The Gift of Letting People Grow
As a coach, one of my primary responsibilities is helping people learn how to help themselves. I teach tools, perspectives, and practices that allow them to access their own wisdom and develop confidence in their ability to navigate life.
When people learn to solve problems, make decisions, and trust themselves, they grow.
The same principle applies in our personal relationships.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is not stepping in and fixing everything for them. Sometimes the greatest gift is believing they are capable of finding their own way.
That realization changed the way I show up in my relationships.
I still care deeply about my family, friends, clients, and community. The difference is that I have become much more intentional about where my energy goes.
A Question to Consider
Today, when I begin feeling overwhelmed, depleted, or stretched thin, I ask myself a simple question:
Am I investing my energy in the circles closest to me, or am I spending most of my time managing situations that belong several circles away?
The answer is often revealing.
Which circles are receiving the best of your energy, and which are receiving what is left over?
Sit with that for a moment.
As you move through the week ahead, notice where your energy is flowing. Notice where you feel responsible for carrying more than is yours to carry. Notice where you may be stepping into roles that belong to someone else’s growth journey.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is trust others to do their own work while we remain committed to doing ours. And sometimes the greatest gift we can give ourselves is remembering that our own well-being belongs in the center circle.
If this resonated with you, let’s talk. I’d love to help you explore where your energy is going and what a more balanced, grounded life could look like for you.
