The Relationships That Challenge You The Most

by | Jun 15, 2022 | 0 comments

During our toughest situations, it’s when we find greater possibilities for growth.

The relationships that challenge you the most, are the ones that can help to transform your life.

Learning to be in the flow, like water

Imagine a stream of water, a river, or shallow water moving downstream; it is fluid, tranquil, calm, and brings about a peaceful feeling. Even a mass of water like a larger stream that settles into a river and ends in the massive ocean has a peaceful non-resistant energy. When obstructed by rocks, or other elements it finds its way through, around, under, and over. It is the perfect symbol of going with the flow, of finding a peaceful means of moving forward.

How can we learn from water to live tranquil, non-resistant lives? When dealing with discord, do you find that you take sides right away, or do you allow the situation to evolve, to reveal, and understand the position of the other? Do you examine your thoughts, feelings, and actions to see how you contributed to the situation? Do mentally switch places with the other person to see things from their point of view?

Being non-resistant as nature’s flowing water, allows you to turn friction into a flow. During our toughest situations, it’s when we find greater possibilities for growth.

A Personal Story:

My relationship with my teenage son became tense as he was becoming an adult. I excused it as a normal pattern, thinking that most parents don’t have a good relationship with their teenage children.

Despite my feelings of “that’s the way it is”, I decided that would not be the case for us and to find ways to improve our relationship and communication. I wanted him to consider me a close ally who can be counted on to help him in life.

Finding the answer

I examined my behavior and communication with him with the intent to find the reasons why sometimes he would be guarded and aloof when I would speak with him. There was not a doubt, I had good intentions, when I would talk with him, but my directedness and judgmental assumptions made him feel defensive.

In my analyses of the situation, I concluded that in our interactions I made him feel judged and not trusted so he was defensive and reserved. I was not growing in my parenting as he was growing into adulthood. I was not allowing him to find his way, to find his own answers, and I was also expecting different behavior than teenage life experience.

I knew that he was spreading his wings, that if he failed I would rather it be now when he was a teen, so he could grow his decision-making skills and confidence to trust himself.

You know how difficult this time can be, we all faced a time in our lives when we desired to be validated by our parents. And during our toughest situations it’s when we find greater possibilities for growth. Slowing down life to take in these moments and pivot as needed is so important for transformation to occur.

Experimenting with life

I stayed open and curious on how to navigate this time and experimented with our communication. I would pose questions that would lead him to make his conclusions and even though at times I would not agree, I’d hold space for things to work out.

Instead of directing him on how to do, what to do, or even suggest a different way; I inquired on ‘what’s the plan?”, or “have you considered X, Y, and Z”. I would allow things to evolve trusting him to make his way.

And in times when outcomes were not desired, I led with compassion, kindness, and love instead of judgment and opinion.

Growth and transformation

Our relationship was transformed by examining my behavior and his perspective, and then deciding to embrace a different style of parenting. It allowed us to speak more lovingly to each other. He now comes to me for advice and shares more about his life; both the good and bad. He acknowledges missteps and talks about learning lessons; we have both matured as people and in our relationship.

Becoming life water

I was resisting him growing into his own and I was not growing with him. The friction in our relationship needed to be released into flow by allowing him to flow with life, no matter how difficult that may have felt for me. In our toughest moments, it’s when we find greater possibilities for growth. We both needed to flow with life and grow.

How I supported him as a mother would have to change if I wanted to have a good relationship with him. Examining my behavior allowed for the awareness of how I was parenting was making him feel and alienating him. And consciously experimenting and changing made it possible for us to transform our relationship and move with the energy of flow – love, trust, belief, kindness, and fun.

INVITATION TO LIFEWORK

 

What relationships in your life can you use more flow?

Examine your part in the current situation – What are your thoughts, feeling, and actions?

Journal Exercise – draw a vertical line down the middle of a page. Label the top “My behavior” on the left half; and “Their Perception” on the right side. Write down all the current behaviors you see yourself exhibiting in the relationship – be an honest third-party observer of the situation. Next to each behavior, write down how you think the other person perceived it. If you were them, how would you see yourself?

Awareness – Being aware of how your actions affect another person, is the beginning of change.

Action – Pick a behavior that you are willing to change. If your first instinct is to criticize, decide that you will instead find something to praise. If you tend to be opinionated, then decide that you will not give your opinion unless asked. If you tend to dismiss others’ feelings easily, decide to listen and empathize.

Be Kind to yourself one transaction at a time, your habits were not developed instantly, and transforming them will take time, repetition, and commitment.

Believing in you!
Trust, Create, Thrive!

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