It’s her issue, not mine

by | May 11, 2022 | 0 comments

We love connection

You’ve been in situations when you feel ignored, or neglected? Or what someone said made you feel devalued and defensive? And you questioned whether you were taking things personally. You wondered what you may have done to be treated in this way. And, you may have reacted defensively causing even more drama to the situation. Or, opted to not say anything but the scene played in your head making you more and more upset.

Any of these scenarios play out in people’s lives daily because we are social beings, we want to find commonality and ways of connecting with others. When the connections feel disrupted, we question ourselves, become defensive, and even upset by what others say or do.

“Don’t take anything personally”

The second agreement of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is “Don’t take anything personally”. This principle is about ignoring the opinions and actions of others when they hurt us. It explains that part of what we interpret is because of our beliefs and perceptions. It explains that what others say and do, has nothing to do with you but it’s about the other person.

Reacting to feeling ignored

For example, you are at a social gathering, and you feel ignored by the hostess. It may be that she is busy with the function, or when you said hello, she did not hear you, or that she is worried about the affair. It may also be that she is ignoring you because she is upset at something you did or said. Whatever the reason; whether you are ignored intentionally or unintentionally, her actions are about her and have nothing to do with you.

Taking her actions personally is a choice you make. That choice can make you feel bad, cause you to suffer, and cause you to play the scene in your head making imaginary potential reasons and outcomes. Rather than giving your power to the situation, why not decide that whatever others think and do reflects their reality and does not affect you.

Find freedom by becoming immune

Adopting this way of thinking as a habit will help you avoid low-level emotions such as anger, envy, jealousy, and regret. It will provide you with the freedom to deal with situations from your point of truth and power. You become immune to the opinions and reactions from others that can steal your attention and power.

Practicing this agreement allows you to be you and break away from the shackles of what other people think or do against you. You know who you are, what you stand for, and what you believe, and when you act with integrity with your essence, nothing else matters. You are responsible for yourself, and others are responsible for themselves. It is a sense of freedom that allows you to be in the middle of chaos and still enjoy the peace you have.

My Life Experience

About fifteen years ago, I was a manager at a mortgage company responsible for processing the mortgage closings for the branch. At the time, the corporate office was in Los Angeles and some transactions had to be cleared by them. The protocol was to call a specific person with the details of the transaction and as I did that, I discovered that the person was not treating my files with the same efficiency as others. Instead of getting angry, defensive, or her actions becoming an obstacle, I chose to go a different route.

I enlisted the help of a friend and colleague who was also a manager there, she would submit my files and her requests would be completed timely and with no obstruction. At the time I had no idea why this person was acting this way, but I also knew that it would not serve me or the company to make an issue of it.

I was thankful that I knew not to take things personally. I could have interpreted the woman’s actions as prejudicial, unfair, and as a problem. I knew that for some reason I was being treated differently and knew that I had not done anything to deserve the treatment. It was her issue, not mine.

I was curious about it, but it did not affect me personally. It added to my colleague’s work and thankfully she was willing to help me with the workaround. After about a year of doing this, I found out that there was an assumption made about me by this person. When she found out the truth about me, she came to the branch and apologized for her behavior.

I did not take her behavior personally. I continued to act with integrity and perform my job as well as I could. I accepted her apology and moving forward my transactions were handled with efficiency and care. The issue resolved itself without causing me to feel like a victim or hurt.

Had I not been practicing the 4 Agreements in my life, perhaps I would have made an issue of it and caused drama for me, the branch, the company, etc. I allowed the situation to cure itself and it did.

Invitation to Lifework . . .

 

Check your reaction to see if you are taking things personally; if the answer is ‘Yes” to these questions then consider letting go of these behaviors to free yourself from the opinions of others.

Giving yourself room to love yourself and continue in the discovery of your essence is part of this process. Shed yourself from the habits below.

You repeatedly question ‘what did they mean by that?”
You struggle to let things go and revisit conversations.
You frequently worry about offending someone even when there is no evidence of it.
You have knee-jerk reactions to what people say without pausing to see what is being said.
You are quick to judge others and quick to judge yourself as part of your interactions.

When the words and actions of others cause you to react defensively question yourself.

“Am I taking this personally?”
“Am I jumping to conclusions about this situation?
“Since I’ve acted in good faith, does it matter what this person thinks of me?
“Is there a different way I can look at this situation?”

To grow the habit of not taking things personally –

Know that you are the center of your universe, likewise; the center of everyone else’s universe is themselves, so their opinions and actions are based on their beliefs. It is their paradigm that is causing them to talk or behave in this manner, it has nothing to do with you.

When you are criticized or feel misjudged, do nothing. Take time to deal with your feelings on the fairness of the situation and plan a strategy that will work best for all concerned.

Check your ego at the door and don’t allow others to take your power. Replying to toxicity will lead down a toxic rabbit hole that may satisfy you in the short term and may not solve the issue in the long term.

Consider the source, before acting and act accordingly. Is this someone that you trust and is looking out for you, or someone that is constantly looking for ways to bring you down?

Fill your life with people who honor, love you, and appreciate you. Shed relationships that are working against you and not serving you.

The bottom line is to stop taking things personally so you can live a happier life.

Deciding will liberate you into life’s flow

Decide not to take things personally and remind yourself of them when you are triggered. Follow that course despite how much you feel tempted to react. Being rigorous in this work will build your muscle to live free from drama and nurture self-acceptance. It will build your self-confidence which will be apparent to people around you.

Acting in this way will also liberate you to remain in the flow of life, without being distracted by situations and conditions that will suck your energy. Stay committed to not taking things personally, and you will live a much freer, happier life.

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