Making sense of your past is frustrating, BUT . . .

Making sense of your past is frustrating but can help stop you from feeling victimized.

We all have a history that binds us to our past, and some of us hold to those memories as reminders of our suffering, the wounds inflicted on us, and the experiences we were subjected to. It can be harrowing to relive, time and time again, how we were treated as a child or in a particular event.

Last Sunday, I was invited to tell my story to the Unity Center of Walnut Creek congregation. I had no idea what that would mean. I am now so grateful for how it grew me. Putting together ‘my story’ allowed me to reflect and observe the deflection points in my life and the issues that had changed the course of how I was going to show up in life.

Making sense of the past is frustrating

The process of writing my story took time, and then piecing the events that molded me led me to the discovery of something that I’ve always wondered about.

When I was in my early twenties, I had a friend whose honesty was not treasured at that time but made me ponder and want to change. He said, “Why are you so insensitive at times, you don’t show your feelings, and it’s difficult for you to show emotion?” I didn’t have the answer at the time, and I just responded, “that’s just the way I am built.”

From then on, I made strides to become more caring, empathetic, and loving, and I thought I had succeeded. Sometimes, I thought I had swung the pendulum of emotion too far because I would easily tear up and take on other people’s feelings; at times, it was exhausting.

“You can’t see the picture when you’re in the frame.” – Les Brown.

Years ago, I asked my husband; if you were to tell me one thing about myself that I don’t have an awareness of, what would it be? By asking this, I was experimenting with Johari’s window, the part of myself visible to others, but I can’t see it because I am the one in the frame. His answer surprised me – he said, “I think you can be more affectionate.” I thought I had already conquered that demon and transformed into an affectionate person. Perhaps not, I considered, as he gave me examples of the behavior he witnessed.

His answer enlightened me with the understanding that showing emotion and being affectionate are two different things. He was right; I would skirt moments when loved ones were seeking a hug or a gentle touch. Wow, there was work to do still…
We all have those parts of ourselves that we want to understand. Innately we know it is part of our journey.

Consequently, I was led to open myself up, respond with affection when appropriate, stop guarding myself, and stop the energy flow with discomfort.

Then came the question – “why am I the way I am?” The events of our childhood shape who we are, but specifically how had they affected me? I had no idea until I paid attention to the events in my childhood when writing and telling my story. I had been guarded and unemotional because of the many experiences of rejection I had as a girl.

Feeling Victimized

From being born female in a household where girls were not seen as equals, to being bullied in school, to forging my path as a woman living in a past marriage and society where women are considered second-class citizens. Of equal effect was also being born to a family who was not affectionate. Many specific events occurred to cast a hard shell as a method of survival.

Interestingly, I never thought I was a victim, yet now I was touching upon those times when I felt victimized. I believe I never released victimhood because I had not stopped to ponder on the moments that served to make me who I am. Accepting the events that changed my life to set it on a different trajectory was necessary. There is a difference between having a victim mentality and being a victim.

When events in our life happen, we can either forge ahead or stay in the moment and marinate in the moment of being a victim. I chose to move forward every time, but I was still molded and changed because of what occurred.

Each person handles things in their way, the way that they’ve learned, the way that feels good to them, and regardless of how we navigate the circumstance, we are never the same.

Making sense of the past is frustrating but can help stop you from feeling victimized.

Examining the childhood events of young Edna’s journey led to the unexpected discovery and unfolding of “how I was built that way” and to the innate forgiveness that comes with knowing that there was infinite intelligence at work.

I am who I am because of the experiences of my past; there is no one else like me; I am unique; I am one-of-a-kind. The beauty of my experiences is now cultivated; once I recognize how each helped me develop into who I am, I can release the victimhood and bless each event for growing me.